What emotional and physical abuse has done to me

By: Virginia Peirce McNulty

What abuse has done to me.   I thought that I had gone through all abuses I was going to in my life time. I thought that I had learned from my past marriage. I had been married to a man that had an alcoholic problem, with blackouts at the times he physically abuse me. He also would abandon me and our children at times. When we divorced I said “I will never put up with such abuse again”. Well those were famous last words. I ran into this wonderfully, good looking man. A little rough around the edges but to me that did not matter. People are not perfect and I certainly was not looking for perfection in my man. I was looking for someone who knew how to take care of himself and did not need a “mother" figure in his life. I wanted to have a companion that I could share my life with. I thought I had found what I had been looking for. I saw what I wanted to see in this man I had met.

I saw a man that had his own business, a man that was strong, independent, a man with a great heart. Like I said before, I saw what I wanted to see not what he really was. This man seemed like everything I had always wanted in a husband, friend, and lover. I moved in soon after we started dating and to top it all off he had a wonderful six year old daughter that I fell in love with and had the privilege to have as a step daughter. I had always told her I’m not here to take the place of your mom but I can be a mom for you. This is what I did from the time she was six to sixteen I was Mom and she began calling me Mom after two months. It sure did warm my heart to hear those words from her. I did everything for her, I uplifted her and encouraged her, helped her with home work, doctored her when she was sick. I was a good mother to her and treated her just as my own daughter. In fact when I left my husband the schools were very surprised to know that I was her step mother and not her biological mother. I brought my two children from my previous marriage into this relationship. My ten year old son and my almost two year old daughter. My husband became my daughter's daddy right away. She loved him more than gold. He was her everything. When I finally got the guts to leave besides calling her on her phone and yelling at her he has never tried to or got in touch with her again. This has broken her heart! After a few weeks of living with him and his daughter I found out he had a raging problem and that whenever he raged he liked kicking me out. Well, I had my own house that was paid for, so I decided if he continues to act in this immature way I would just have to stay away from him for the good of myself and children. I packed up mine and my children’s belongings and started to leave. My husband begged me to stay, he said that him and his daughter needed me and that he would never throw me out again nor would be rage any longer. He promised this, and this was the first red flag that I had ignored, because it happened again and again.

After this incident he had raged to me putting me down verbally, calling me a cunt, whore, stupid and no good. He said I was crazy and began making me feel that I was crazy. He would always apologize to me and I would believe him. He stated that his other wives were cheaters, no good and so he had trust problems. One night his older daughter and her husband and granddaughter came from California to visit. I loved the long talks we had that first night. His oldest daughter was so easy to get along with and very down to earth. After we all decided it was bed time. I crawled into bed with my husband, so content with the wonderful visit we all had, had. When suddenly my husband began yelling at me, raging, that I had embarrassed him in front of his daughter and her husband. I just could not understand. I felt horrible that I may have hurt my husband. He raged for at least two hours until I was nothing, just a blob of nothing. It was horrific how he had verbally attached me. I had never in my life been attacked verbally as my husband did that night. The worse thing was everyone in the house heard him. The next morning I was totally numbed emotionally. I felt as if I had been beaten and raped. This was a red flag of course, which I ignored.

I thought maybe I needed to show him that I love him in a better way. Maybe I need to satisfy his needs even more. Well, that’s what I did. I gave hour long massages, rubbed his feet, cooked his favorite meals, He had a dump truck business I would take care of the paper work and stand outside with him for eight hours or more helping him work on his truck. I did everything for him but it was not enough. What I did was give up myself and who I was for someone else. Any individual man or woman should never do this. My husband was very good at what he did in manipulating me and coursing me into doing things I would have never thought of doing. When he was nice he was extremely nice to me and the kids. This only lasted until I sold my home and the money ran out. Another instance was in 2008 when I had to have neck surgery and had disks 5-7 fused. We were driving home from the store because I could not drive yet. It had been two weeks since my surgery so I had my neck brace on still. He began picking on me about something. I can’t remember what it was now because the subject was so minute in nature. He was extremely upset with me, took my ear bud for my phone away, and as he was driving he put one hand on the top of my head and began shaking my head. I grabbed hold of my neck brace, trying expertly to keep my head from shaking. I told him, why are you doing this? Are you stupide I just had surgery I said. I was in tears it hurt so badly. When we got home I went into the bathroom with my cell phone to call 911. He had followed me in there and took my phone away saying we need to talk about what had happened. He hugged me and said he was so sorry. Again this whole incident was a HUGE red flag that I ignored. Of course he apologized because he knew he would have been thrown in jail. I wish to God I had went to a neighbor that day and asked for help. It’s like there is something inside of a woman who is being abused that wants it to work, wants the man to stop being physically or verbally abusive. I just do not get it. I knew my husband was a good man deep down but I think that I began blaming myself for his anger, his rages, and his behavior.

By 2010 my husband finally had me convinced there was something dreadfully wrong with me mentally. I had gone to doctors to get checked and taken tests by a psychologist who said that I had PTSD from my previous marriage and how I grew up. She also said I was a little defendant and also had Generalized Anxiety disorder. The psychologist wanted to make sure I was not in an abusive relationship now. Of course I was in denial and said no. I told her my husband was wonderful and that I would never get into a situation like that again. She had put me on medication to relax me. It helped me be able to live with my husband a bit better and deal with his rages. I began working for a center that had people with mental disorders. I loved my job, it made me feel independent and like I was doing something important. The only problem was that my husband called me constantly, yelling at me on the phone if I could not answer it right away. It was so embarrassing to have my coworkers hear him chew me out over the phone. He had such a strong personality, so when he raged it was like a chain saw cutting through your heart and mind.

My coworkers would tell me that the way he was treating me was totally wrong. My boss even told me not to let my husband interfere with my work. They had all begged me to leave him! I just could not see it though, I thought if I worked hard and was a good wife things would get better. After working for this company for over a year I talked with my husband and told him that I had wanted to quit. He through a huge fit. I never saw any money I had been paid for working. My husband took all the money and bought things for his house or his dump truck. He made sure to spend my money where I would have to ask him for cash for gas, or money for clothes for me and the kids. I remember one time I did buy a much needed coat for myself that was 50 dollars. He raged, and said I was so selfish not getting anything else for anybody. It was a horrible rage this time. Not that there are good rages but this was so hurtful, it was like he took a knife and stabbed me repeatedly in my heart. What I did not know at the time was that I was having a breakdown. He was pulling me in one direction while my work was pulling me in another direction. I was over worked at home and at my job. By the time I would get home he had called me at least 20 times asking when I would get home to cook dinner. When I would finally get home from work I would start dinner and then have notes to write for work about each of my clients. This made him enraged. I tried so hard to listen and discuss with my husband as I wrote my notes at home but it was not enough for him. He wanted my undivided attention at all times. In the winter he was home 24/7 because there was not any work for a dump truck driver in the winter. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t support me enough to have dinner ready when I got home from work. Or even have laundry done. I never said a word about this though because I was afraid of his raging. I just figure it was something I could deal with. One day when I came home I started dinner, sat down on the couch next to my husband. He was talking with me and I was listening as I wrote my notes for work. He became enraged that I was writing my notes and did not have one hundred percent of myself on him. He stood up and slammed my lap top down. Of course it broke. It was heart breaking that he broke it. Everything for work was on that including pictures I would never get back of my children. Of course he apologized but said if I had been paying attention to him this would not have happened. He ordered me another lap top which came within a few days. He had ordered it on my account from dell and said that I had left it on the top of the car and drove off, driving over it. What a liar he was and still is. Two weeks later it was a huge da shah vu because he did the same thing with my new lap top! He broke it and said if I had not made him made that would not have happened. It was my fault again! Something happened to me that day emotionally and mentally. I could feel that I was not the same person. Everything extremely overwhelmed me. I was numb, I felt as if my husband had won, he had beaten me down emotionally. I felt stuck though because I had nothing. I had sold my house and put all the money into his things, home, and business. I had nowhere to go. I began doing what I was not supposed to do and that was vent to my clients. I should have never done that. One day I had broken down in front of my client and his mother, which was a big no no. Of course his mother called my boss and I eventually was fired because of that situation. I just was not myself and Thought I would never be myself again. Before I was fired I kept forgetting client’s appointments, or even seeing a client. I kept forgetting everything that was important.

After I was fired I went to my primary care physician and told him I was worried about myself because my short term memory was horrible. He sat me up with a neurologist who eventually diagnosed me with dementia. I was devastated, my life was over in my eyes. My goals were not and I had no support from my husband. My neurologist put me on Namenda for dementia and some other medications Prozac and something else I cannot remember what it was. I was on this medication for two years. My life felt as if it were over. My adult children were heartbroken and my husband continued to work out of town expecting me to be the person I always was. I was extremely depressed and other symptoms began to show itself. I was extremely lethargic, depressed, the medication they put me on was making me worse. I could not remember a conversation I had a few minutes prior. I had it in my mind that I would eventually be put in a nursing home.

On top of all of this I had allowed my career to be ruined by over stepping my boundaries. I had failed in this life and no one cared. I felt that I had gotten my bachelor’s degree for nothing. I had to reorder my goals in life. My priorities had totally changed from what they were. I quit school for my master’s degree in counseling and through myself into my family. My husband and I grew further apart, because I felt he needed someone who was healthy instead of someone who would probably die of dementia. I was totally in a pity party with myself, my circumstances and my life. I needed a friend but did not have one. My husband never knew how to be my friend. I did become closer to my mother in-law. She had some memory problems also, so we would joke around about not being able to remember from one moment to the next. My mother in law (I’ll call her Carol) found out she had cancer, again. She had already overcome three other cancers. This time the cancer went into her liver. I spent as much time as possible with her, taking her to chemo, going to lunch, just trying to be her friend. We became good friends in my eyes, but I’ll talk more about this part later. When she passed away my husband would not even tell me, or let me go to the funural to say goodbye.

Now when my husband would rage I began yelling back at him.

when I did though he said that something was wrong with me. How dumb I was because I believed him. I thought maybe it was my dementia that was making me fight back. What it was is that I was tired of being raged at. Even his Mom told me if I where you I would save money and leave she said. His mom felt that her son was taking advantage of me and was treating me horribly. My step daughter begged me to divorce her Dad and help her get to live with her mother. She would cry and cry wanting to live with her mom. I told her finally that I would help her out and try to talk to her dad about letting her live with her mom. I had always admired my step daughters Mom. She had been through so much in her life but had overcame the horrible circumstances and made herself better than ever. Her Mom would tell me things that had happened between the two of them when they were married that were from a horror story. She said that he had drug her by her hair from the car to their trailer they owned in Reno Nevada. It is something that all the terrible stories she told me but it never dawned on me he was still like this, but he was. I did not know he even had a felony domestic violence in Nevada until he had tried to get a job during the winter driving a school bus. The school administrator told him because of his felony domestic violence he could never work with or around children. I was shocked to find this out. I had no idea but should have known because of the way he treated me and his daughter.

Before all of this had happened my husband disclosed things to me that were also red flags but I ignored them and just showed him my support. He told me at one time that he was working for a friend in Redding California at an auto part store. He told me that he had embezzled at least one hundred thousand dollars. I was beside myself but did not want to make him feel bad about himself because this is just how I am. I told him, you’re not like that now so it does not matter. I thought he was happy he had me to support him in that way. He decided one day to call his old friend that he stole from. He did he called him and the guy that was his friend and was so surprised when his ex-friend told him never to call him again and that he should be a shamed of even thinking it was right for him to call. The surprising thing was that my husband could not or did not want to understand why his ex-friend would not talk with him. I told him, he shouldn’t be surprised look what was done to him.

He disowned his oldest daughter because she wanted him to walk her down the aisle when she was married with her step dad who had raised her. By this time nobody liked my husband, including his mom, brother, work buddies, his oldest daughter, just no body. One time before he disowned his oldest daughter she had come to visit and when she told him she wanted both of her dads to walk her down the aisle my husband had knocked her against the wall, called her a cunt (his favorite name to call women) and told her never to contact him again. We were all in shock, all of us but me. This was so him and his behavior. He never talked to her or his grandchildren until the day I left. I’m still not sure why he waited until I left. It’s pretty heart breaking. All I wanted was to be a family with my husband, his family and mine. I suppose I was not good enough for his family at least that is how it made me feel. I had slowly stopped seeing my family by this time. My adult kids were very worried about me, they had never seen me so beat down. They did not like my husband at all. They could see right through him and his manipulations. No matter what they said to me I would not listen. Why are people like this? When there is a fire we know not to put our hand in it! What in me made me stay with someone who treated me so badly? Oh, of course it was not bad all the time. I learned quickly what NOT to say to my husband. I had to walk on egg shells with him and so did his daughter. I have asked these questions to myself for years. Was it because when my brother molested me when I was a young girl, my mom did not do anything about it? Was it because I was so shy and needed the attention even if it were negative attention?

I just do not understand what it is within myself that allows someone to take my identity and voice from me. I have even had the thought that this was part of the curse that God allowed to be on eve stating after she sinned, God told her that now that you’ve sinned the desire of your heart will be for your husband. What does this mean? Does it mean since Jesus broke the curse we need to fight and make the desire of our heart God and all things will fall into place? We are not under the curse any longer so my desire should not be for a man. Just thinking out loud…

I just want to live a good life and make God proud and happy for me. I wont even put a man before my children or grandchildren again. I want to change for the good. After all I gave to my husband I am not sure why he is contesting this divorce and wanting me to pay him maintenance He makes five times more money than I would ever have. He knows I can’t make the money he has. He knows how he has treated me through these ten years. He has taken just about everything from me except my God and the Lord Jesus. He can not take that from me, my faith. I know that I have made many mistake in my lifetime, maybe more than most people. I just want to enjoy my life and kids.

My husband has taken everything and I am drained emotionally, monetarily, physically and spiritually. Why does he want to continue hurting me and my family? I cannot afford to pay my lawyer and he knows it. Does he just want to try and make me look bad? I am open to my mistakes always. I will sit before the judge and tell of my mistakes. That is all we can do is be honest. If we do not have our words of truth we have nothing. My husband has slapped, pushed, pulled me, shaken me and emotionally and psychologically abused me and now I am the one who is paying for this. Why? I put a restraining order on him and then two weeks later he put one on me. How can this even be legal? I have been turned down jobs because of the restraining order my husband put on me. How can someone try and tear down someone’s life the way my husband has tried to tare mine down. How can he still bully me through the courts? He has stopped paying the credit cards that he made me open and spend on his truck, his house. My credit is ruined now, so what do I do? How can he get away with all of this? After all that had happened I still wanted our marriage to work more than anything. But the day he blamed me for his daughter wanting to move in with her Mom I knew it was over. I had even asked him if he would go to marriage counseling with me. His answer made me cringe. He said, "I don't need counseling, there is nothing wrong with me. You are the one who needs the counseling". This broke my heart knowing our marriage was not important to him. Knowing I was replaceable to him. Knowing he really never loved me at all. It is pretty sad that I would stay through the pushes, shakes, throwing down to the floor. It's pretty sad it took me to see he really never wanted to work on our marriage before I would finally leave. He had even told me he never wanted to marry me in the first place and that he should have never married me.

Divorce is sad especially when the other person feels that his or her spouse is so replaceable. He never did respect me or my opinion. Yes, this hurts extremely horrific hurt. I will survive and have done well even though he has ruined my credit among other things. I do not feel that I could ever trust a person again. I've never known anyone that could look at me straight in the eyes and lie the way my husband could. How sad.

I certainly wish my husbands Mom did not tell me how her son truly felt about me. She said that he said, "I am so relieved, and happy that Jenny is finally gone", "me and my daughter are so much happier without her". Wow, why would she tell me this knowing how much it hurt? I would never want to hurt someone like that especially if I cared about them.

It did turn out that I did have dementia but it was from severe depression from living with someone so controling and harsh. It's a mirecle I am as healthy as I am now. Thank the Lord I have a doctor who kept questioning my diagnoses. The abuse I went through for years with my husband even though it did not give me cblack and blue marks was just as or more damaging to my mind, spirit, and emotional state. Never again!

Please get help if you are with someone controlling and abusive! I was twice! The second time was mainly monitarily, emotionally, and spiritually. Be smart you can have a wonderful person in your life, you are worth it!

Abusive Relationships this is a good link with lots of info

More later...

#abuse #divorce #healing #putbehind #love #grow #learn