Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.
Understanding domestic violence and abuseWomen don’t have to live in fear:
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247. Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.
Male victims of abuse can call: U.S. and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women
UK: ManKind Initiative Australia: One in Three Campaign
Understanding domestic violence and abuse
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in anintimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
Signs of an abusive relationship
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.
Physical abuse and domestic violence
When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack
Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse
Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically andsexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed
It Is Still Abuse If . . .
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The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
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The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship.Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
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The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
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There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska
Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you thinkWhen people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice
Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time
Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence: Cycle of violence
Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
"Normal" behavior – The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time
.Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse
It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.
General warning signs of domestic abuse
People who are being abused may:
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Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner
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Go along with everything their partner says and does
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Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing
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Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner
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Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness
Warning signs of physical violence
People who are being physically abused may:
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Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
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Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation
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Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors)
Warning signs of isolation
People who are being isolated by their abuser may:
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Be restricted from seeing family and friends
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Rarely go out in public without their partner
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Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car
The psychological warning signs of abuse
People who are being abused may:
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Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
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Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
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Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal
Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse
If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.
Do's and Don'ts
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Do:Ask if something is wrong Express concern Listen and validate Offer help Support his or her decisions
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Don’t:Wait for him or her to come to you Judge or blame Pressure him or her Give advice Place conditions on your support Adapted from: NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence
Next step…Getting out of an abusive relationship. Do you want to leave an abusive situation, but stay out of fear of what your partner might do? While leaving isn’t easy, there are things you can do to protect yourself. You’re not alone, and help is available. Read Help for Abused and Battered Women.
Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. Last updated: February 2014
Resources & References
Warning signs of abusive relationships and emotional abuse
Red Flags for Abusive Relationships – Checklist of warning signs and red flags that you’re in an abusive relationship. (Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance)
Symptoms of Emotional Abuse (for women) and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse (for men) – Guide to emotional abuse and the warning signs, including common characteristics of abusers. (Lilac Lane)
What Does Love Got to Do With It? Why People Stay in Relationships with Angry People – Discusses codependency in abusive relationships, how to evaluate the health of your relationship, and tips for getting out. (Get Your Angries Out)
Emotional Abuse – In-depth discussion of emotional abuse, including types of emotional abuse and signs of abusive, authority-based relationships. (EQI.org)
Domestic violence and physical abuse
Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. Department of Agriculture)
The Problem – Describes the problem of battering and signs of domestic violence. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Domestic Violence Warning Signs – Describes common warning signs that an individual is being emotionally abused or beaten. (Safe Place, Michigan State University)
For men
Intimate Partner Abuse Against Men (PDF) – Learn about domestic violence against men, including homosexual partner abuse, sexual abuse of boys and male teenagers, and abuse by wives or partners. (National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, Canada)
Abused Men: Domestic Violence Works Both Ways – Women are not the only victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence. Learn more about the problems abused men face. (AARDVARC.org)
For teens
Dating Violence – Guide to teen dating violence, including early warning signs that your boyfriend or girlfriend may become abusive. (The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Teens: Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt (PDF) – A teen-friendly guide to what abuse looks like in dating relationships and how to do something about it. (American Psychological Association)
For gay men and women
Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationships – Learn about the unique problems victims of same-sex abuse face, and how to get help. (LAMBDA)
For immigrants
Information for Immigrants – Domestic violence resources for immigrant women. Also available en Español.
(Women’s Law Initiative) Domestic violence hotlines and help National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)
State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women – Specializing in providing support to male victims of abuse. (DAHMV)
By Loveleena Rajeev
September 23, 2011
Verbal Abuse in MarriageI wonder what defines verbal abuse between a married couple? Is it about screaming, hurling expletives, or subtly bearing down using honey coated insults. Let's find out. No one expects their marriage to turn ugly, but the sad reality is that it does, for many it even becomes fatal. Spousal abuse or domestic abuse can perpetuate beyond sexual or physical abuse to a much more subtle form; verbal abuse. Those who have experienced it, say it is the worse form of abuse for it leaves behind no physical scar, yet manages to scar an individual's mind and soul.
Unlike other forms of abuse, verbal abuse comes without a loud sound.Verbal Abuse In marriage, verbal abuse is not about a harsh word spoken in a fit of anger, or even an insult thrown offhandedly, it is the systematic use of language in an abusive manner specifically used to make the spouse feel inferior, insecure and run down.
Verbal abuse also includes the written form. As there is no universally accepted definition of verbal abuse, any form of communication done with the intent to cause harm to the person being spoken to which may consist of language which is demeaning, name calling, shouting, derogatory remarks, insulting, intimidating and threatening.Verbal abuse is one of the most difficult forms of abuse when it comes to assessing emotional damage being inflicted on the abuser.
As it is subtle, even if shouting is included, it takes a long time for the abused to realize that they are being abused. The period between getting verbally abused until its realization is full of trauma, and uncertainty as to why one is being abused. As it not always comes with physical violence, the abused is mostly in self denial. However, with time the perpetrator is emboldened by the victim's non-retaliatory behavior, thereby increasing the intensity of verbal abuse, and finally escalating to physical abuse.
For years now, it was thought to be a gender issue, with the perpetrators being men and the victims; women. Although the ratio of women being battered verbally and otherwise will always be higher, men too are being victimized. Domestic violence against women was highlighted in 1970 when woman's rights and feminism was brought fore, and since the late 1970s, domestic violence against men has also gained significant attention.
Hence, a verbally abusive marriage has now been brought under the blanket of 'domestic violence', where abuse can occur among spouses, against children or intimate partners.Why do people verbally abuse, how does one forget marriage vows of maintaining the spouse's dignity and respect, how does one stop loving the other and think it is okay to cause emotional and mental trauma? I am sure these are questions that most of us ask, especially, if we know a victim or have been victimized ourselves.
Answers are not easy to come by, as there are a whole lot of sociological and ideological factors involved. As verbal abuse, or any other form of domestic violence is not gender, race, culture, age or sex specific, it can happen to anyone, at any strata level. As dominance is part of many cultures, verbal abuse between married couples is more or less accepted. And being insidious in nature, goes unrecognized, more by the abused than the abuser.
Psychologists believe that those who abuse and accept abuse have learned this pattern at home. At least 50% of cases documented have an early history that consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others being abused. As a result it becomes the 'normal way to live'. Another reason that could also attribute towards the practice of verbal abuse is the 'need for control, or to control'. As verbal abuse is intended to cause intimidation, insecurity, emotional trauma and dependence, the perpetrator derives a sadistic pleasure in knowing that they yield power.
Mental or physical disorders are also reasons for verbal abuse to occur. Individuals suffering from anger management issues, narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies, substance abuse, or intermittent explosive behavioral disorders feel the need to leash out their uncontrollable temper and frustration on their spouse, which sometimes goes beyond verbal abuse. In all instances of verbal abuse, the abusers believe that they are right to verbally put the spouse in place, as the spouse asked for it.
Signs of Verbal Abuse in Marriage As said earlier, verbal abuse does not always come with visible signs, it becomes difficult to demarcate a clear line between what constitutes verbal abuse and what does not. Verbal abuse is the use of language intended to hurt and demean the listener, it is not accidental at all.
1. The first sign is usually name calling, combined with screaming, cursing, shouting and going verbally ballistic for very little cause. However, some verbal abusers do it cleverly, they disguise insults, ridicule, disrespect and criticize by manipulating their words, especially when in public but always get the message across to their spouse.
2. Verbal abuse can also at times transcend from words to actions, actions that convey that one is unloved, unwanted, and can be conveniently ignored. A verbal abuser always preys upon a dependent victim's mind by using language that conveys threats of harm, or even leaving the family in a destitute condition.
3. Verbal abusers always lay the blame for all wrong decisions made by using false accusations intended to create a doubt in the victim's decision-making abilities.
4. Verbal abuse also constitutes language said to make one feel good, but with the intent of manipulating people to submit to or accept undesirable behavior.
5. A constant dismissal of your opinions and feelings, and use of threatening words are also signs of abuse.
How to Deal with It Recognizing abuse and accepting that one is being abused is the first step to getting help for yourself. Stopping verbal abuse is imperative, because in most cases where they occur, it usually starts with a few odd sentences a day, and in a short time escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence which can prove fatal.
Although easier said than done, the abused needs to become proactive. Understand that there are individuals in your circle of family and friends who can lend a hand, or direct you to a support group. Counseling and therapy is another way to deal with an abusive marriage. But dealing with an abuser requires help. Help that will ensure that no bodily harm comes to you or your children (if any), when it is time to take the abuser head on.
Although there are laws in the United States of America for domestic violence, verbal abuse only falls within its domain if violence is part of it, else lack of a definition makes verbal abuse inadmissible in court. Hence, it is important to take help of a support group, and have backups in place, in case of an undesired eventuality.
Effects of verbal abuse can be devastating for a married couple. Not only on you but on your children and society as a whole. Abusive relationships are difficult to treat, especially if the perpetrator dose not believe in the wrongdoing. Done over a prolonged duration, with the intention to hurt, traumatize and cripple an individual emotionally and mentally, the abused will believe in their own unworthiness as projected by the abuser.
Nothing could be more damaging to an individual's spirit than being told they are not worthy. This damage will take years to heal, whether you to live with it or stand up against it and be counted, is ultimately going to be your choice.
By Loveleena RajeevLast Updated: September 23, 2011Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/verbal-abuse-in-marriage.html
Signs of Emotional Abuse
By MARIA BOGDANOS
Emotional abuse is elusive. Unlike physical abuse, the people doing it and receiving it may not even know it’s happening.It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves.
It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.
The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.
In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:
Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others? Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive? Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong? ”Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
Domination, control, and shame: Do you feel that the person treats you like a child? Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate? ”Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions? Do they control your spending? Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them? Do they make you feel as though they are always right? Do they remind you of your shortcomings? Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are? Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior? Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings: Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true? Are they unable to laugh at themselves? Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect? Do they have trouble apologizing? Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes? Do they call you names or label you? Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness? Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection? Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment? Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes? Do they not notice or care how you feel? Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
Codependence and enmeshment:
Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves? Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?
