Ignoring one's self- a very bad habit!!!

I have been seeing some things in myself that need to heal, grow and change. Baggage is something EVERYONE has unless you were born yesterday. I have absolutely learned from my previous relationship, both negative and positive behaviors. Some of these behaviors LEARNED are to, walk on egg shells, read your partner, and giving up one’s self and identity in a relationship. I have learned to never say no, which is so unhealthy. I suppose what has happened to me is that I allowed my voice to be taken from me. It will take some time before these behaviors are unlearned. It took 10 years to absorb them, so I am not going to be changing overnight, even though I wish that I could change overnight. Putting myself first has never been harder than now. I catch myself watching the things I say to people. I can see that I am actually afraid to voice my own opinion. I also apologize for everything I do. Basically, my back bone has been surgically removed by my last relationship. In an unhealthy relationship the abusive and controlling spouse works hard to diminish any knowledge in their partner that they may be important, worth listening to and able to think of yourself before others at times. Nobody else is going to think of you! Not that I am saying to be a selfish, self-serving, putting one’s self before their children. I am saying to take care of one’s self, so that you will be healthy enough to put your child first. Seeking God first, so you can take great care of yourself and children is always a wise behavior.

This is the first time in my 51 years I have recognized I cannot say “no” to my partner. I could say no to my first husband. But being with my second and last husband (soon to be ex) became like pulling eye teeth. Not that I could not tell him my thoughts and feelings in the beginning but it soon changed. Looking back there were so many red flags that I did not take heed, believe, and wanted to believe. These red flags were showing I NEEDED TO RUN. I had always thought abuse was mainly a physical thing. I do not know why I did not know better than this. My gosh I have a bachelor’s of Science in psychology and sociology! Why did I not see the RED FLAGS??

Some of the red flags I noticed were my own instinct. I did not believe or listen to myself. This is what an abuser counts on. If you LISTEN carefully, you will know EXACTLY what to do if you begin a relationship that is unhealthy. One day, my almost ex just blurted out, “we fit together perfectly because you are afraid that you may be crazy.” When he said this it stuck out to me as so bizarre. What I should have done was run then. He was counting on me being “weak” because then he could control me. Another red flag was when his adult daughter, her husband and child came to visit us from California. I had thought we had a wonderful visit! They were staying a few days with us. My husband and I went to bed and that is when it started. He was accusing me of “talking wrong” with his daughter. He said that I had belittled him and made a fool of him in front of his family. Of course hearing this DEVISTATED me! I felt awful, so told him I was so sorry, but sorry was not enough for him. I started to get teared up because I had felt so badly that I had hurt him. He began belittling me, calling me horrible names that no one has ever called me before (the C word, selfish, self-severing) I just did not understand. One of his favorites things to say to me was that I was such a baby and there much be something horribly wrong with me mentally. His daughter and her husband could hear EVERYTHING he said. He kept me up for hours yelling and raging at me. I was a puddle of nothing by the time he was finished with me. He did not lay a hand on me that night but I had felt as if I was beat until unconscious. I know that I had not belittled him! But he had convinced me that I had. My Mother had raised me to watch what I say and to put your husband on a pedestal and that is what I did.

By morning came I felt just as bad. I was so wiped that when I got into my car to run to the store for breakfast things I had backed into his Daughters car rental and destroyed the front grill. They knew why though, they knew I had been verbally beaten the night before. I was so embarrass and sorry I had hit their car and that they had heard what went on the night before. My husband was very apologetic also, telling me he loved me and that he should not have yelled at me the way he did. The thing of it is he just did not yell at me. He raged at me! It was almost unbearable. Thinking back as he was yelling at me I was closing my eyes and he yelled at me more, he made fun of me because I was closing my eyes. I didn’t even realize that I was closing my eyes as he yelled. That was just one small thing he raged at me about that night. I cannot even remember it all now.

Well, I ignored this RED FLAG and did not listen to myself. I stayed and tried harder to make things work. By this time I had sold my house and land. He had coursed me into opening an account for both of us for the house money. He also convinced me to put 10,000 dollars in his “business” account. He did this by raging. In that rage he said “if you want us to be partners you would do this and make the money the both of ours”. He was also calling me selfish then too. How dumb was I?! All of my money went into his house, and his business. But I thought that I was doing the right thing. We weren’t married yet. He had always said, ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’ and “it means nothing”. He called me his wife a lot and when he was not raging he treated me like a queen. He convinced me to pay for a trip to his old home town in Reno Nevada and Redding California. All of these were RED FLAGS that I once again IGNORED.

He had me questing myself all the time and the first two years we were living together he would kick me out anytime he got mad. This was also a RED FLAG I ignored. By the time all of my money was gone he stopped doing things for me. He stopped talking to me about what I wanted. He would ask me what color I wanted to paint a room but for no reason because he would ALWAYS paint it what he wanted. My then three year old wanted her room pink and his youngest daughter wanted her room green. His daughter got her room green but mine got her room painted dark blue (more RED FLAGS). On one of his daughter’s birthdays we were going to the skating rink. I was at Wal-Mart buying birthday presents with my money of course. My daughter needed some shirts because she was growing really fast and they had turtle necks in solid colors for only 3 dollars, so I had bought her about 6 shirts. I love a good deal when it comes to the kids clothes! Well, he through the biggest fit and said that my daughter could not wear a new shirt to the birthday party because it would “take away” from his daughter. Unbelievable indeed! This was a rage by him too.

This is a link to a webpage that helps you spot the abusive man. "Spotting and Dealing With Possessive Controlling Boyfriends\Girlfriends" ©Charles Emmrys Ph.D.

More later, this is making my stomach sick. I just can’t believe I stayed almost ten years.